Can't Let You Go
by Johnnydspiratequeen
Summary: Watson is really leaving...Holmes can't let him go. Songfic; movieverse; shwatsonlock.


**Can't Let You Go **

_I guess it was not meant to be… _

Your room has grown so empty. I've spent a great deal of time telling myself this wasn't truly happening but I now feel the gaping holes where your belongings used to be as if they were in my heart. Your wardrobe is growing bare; their contents carefully packed away into countless trunks and so many boxes. I let my fingers brush the mattress of what used to be your bed, stripped of sheets and blankets. It's cold.

_It's not as bad as it seems… _

You're going to be happy now, right? You and Mary and your own house and your own practice and I won't be there to scare away your patients with experiments and gunfire. I'll be alone but I'll be okay. After all…

_It only burns when I breathe… _

I take a deep breath. It shakes in my chest and I feel an ache there akin to a bullet hole. I tell myself it's good that you're leaving. You'll have time to concentrate on healing people and I'll have time to concentrate on cases; cases in which you'll not be in harm's way because of my carelessness.

_I'm better off by myself… _

Yes, I tell myself that I can stand this pain. I'll learn how to live again somehow. I'll learn how to read the paper without you sitting there beside me. I'll learn how to solve a case without you by my side. The scent of you will eventually fade from the clothes that I stole and I'll learn to forget they were yours. And it will be okay.

_That's the tale I like to tell… _

I'm trying not to be selfish. I'm trying to respect what you want even though it tears me apart. If you love someone you're supposed to let them go…

_But it's not that easy for me to say goodbye _

I try to ignore this nagging feeling, this gaping chasm I feel. Emotions only make you weak but there is no way to look at this logically. There is no physical explanation as to why I need you so badly. You're not food, water, or rest but I require you to live. You're not drugs or drink but I crave you just the same.

_Everything in me wants you back in my life _

I want to handle this gracefully but I can't stand to see you in the arms of Mary or anyone else besides myself. I can't stand the thought of you going away. I can't stand the thought of you forgetting me. I can't stand the thought of not seeing you everyday. I…

_Can't let you go _

_Can't let you go _

I look out the window and see you standing there…with _her_. I see you heading back into the house so I quickly leave your room, pretending I was never in it; pretending I don't care. I retreat to my room. It's a mess, as always until you come in after me to pick up what I drop, to dust what I've neglected. But you won't do that anymore will you?

_It feels like the dawn of the dead _

_Like bombs going off in my head _

_Never a moment of rest… _

I catch my reflection in the magnifying lens that sits on my desk. The warped image it shows me is of a man who hasn't shaved in a week; dark circles forming under his eyes from lack of sleep and his hair a haphazard mess of darkness. I haven't been taking care of myself lately. All I see, hear, and breathe is the gnawing dread of your departure and your cheerful packing that drops a stone to the pit of my stomach. You're really leaving.

_Nothing kills more than to know _

_That this is the end of the road _

_And I know I gotta let go… _

_It's not that easy for me to say goodbye _

_Everything in me wants you back in my life _

_Can't let you go _

_Can't let you go _

_Can't let you go _

_Can't let you go… _

Gladstone has fallen asleep on the floor. _Our_ dog… _our_ rooms…_our_ life… I kneel down to pet him; his slumber is not drug-induced this time. I haven't the heart for experiments as of late but I'll gladly put on a show for you. I'll plaster on a smile and make you think I'm alright.

_Wish I could just find a way… _

I've been trying to train myself not to think of you so much; prepare for the inevitable. But I find that it's much harder than it should be.

_To have all your memories erased… _

You're the last thing on my mind when I fall asleep. So I don't sleep much anymore. We used to share all of our meals together. So I don't eat much anymore. But memories of you, of us, plague me no matter how desperately I try to hide.

'_Cause constantly they're haunting me… _

You're in my room now. The time has finally come, time to say goodbye.

_It's not that easy for me to say goodbye _

You look at me and I look right back though the blue of your eyes penetrates me. There's so much to say but I can't say anything because _she_ is here with you. She's not welcome; not invited. She should realize how gross of an intrusion she is. This should be a private moment. You and she will have many private moments and yet she begrudges me this last one. I know I'm being petty and ridiculous for blaming her but I'm so vulnerable; hopeless.

_And everything in me wants you back in my life… _

Our goodbye is stiff, almost silent, and too awkward for us. Neither of us has anything to say anymore. Everything is already said or lost to us forever. I lock my emotions and unspoken words away in my heart and force a smile for you. You fidget anxiously and find an excuse to exit quickly. This is not the goodbye I wanted. Then again, I never wanted goodbye. I watch you disappear down the stairs before I shut the door behind you. I press my back against the cold wood, hoping for a solace it could not give. I let myself slide down until I am slumped on the floor, head in my hands. I feel the hot, insistent prickle of tears in my eyes and I can't hold them back anymore.

_Can't let you go _

_Can't let you go_

_Can't let you go _

_I can't let you go. _

_

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(A/N: So that was pretty angsty but I just had to do a fic for this song. I love Adam Lambert and Shwatsonlock and it seemed to fit perfectly. Please tell me what you think. Reviews make me smile :D)


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